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As we all know, hats are a very important part of this site.

In fact, the only reason I tolerate other people on the internet is so that once a year I can spend some time earning these glorious avatar noggin covers.

Recently a few children have been added to my family. They were totally awesome until recently. To be exact, they were totally awesome until hat season began. Now they eat up all my precious hat hunting hours! So my question is:

How do I tell a 3 year old girl and a 5 year old boy that I like internet hats more than them and that they should just leave me alone?

Merry xmas

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  • 5
    [Must... resist... vote to close]
    – Robert Harvey
    Dec 18, 2015 at 9:27
  • 10
    You are on programmers claiming to have a life? Does not compute
    – Bent
    Dec 18, 2015 at 9:44
  • 5
    I would just go with exactly that. "I like internet hats more than you and you should just leave me alone." straight to the point, it's a good lesson in life :)
    – SpaceCowboy
    Dec 18, 2015 at 14:12
  • 4
    @NormalHuman Hi Normal Human, I'm not one of the parents, I'm one of the uncles. Is there an Uncling.SE anywhere? Signed, Normal Uncle
    – MetaFight
    Dec 19, 2015 at 6:33
  • Does the answer have to be legal? There's this wonderful stuff called Flunitrazepam, it's very good at making children less bothersome.
    – Pharap
    Dec 20, 2015 at 10:47
  • @NormalHuman: Well of course you would say that... :P
    – FrustratedWithFormsDesigner
    Dec 21, 2015 at 4:37
  • 1
    I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because its joke
    – Morons
    Dec 31, 2015 at 16:42

4 Answers 4

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19

Why not internet hat with them?

Instead of spending time apart, eagerly hunting hats by yourself, hunt together! Sit them up on your lap, and they can help you out!

Say: "Look little Sarah, there's a new hat called Edward Edwards. What do you think is the trigger?"

Then, little Sarah can help you solve it!

You'll be on your way to a bathtub in no time! Even your partner(?) will think highly of you!

You're even training your kids for future Winterbashes! You can start a long family heritage of hat collecting!

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  • 5
    You're right, this holiday hat hootenanny will be the legacy I will pass on to them.
    – MetaFight
    Dec 19, 2015 at 6:26
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With my extensive knowledge of xenodevelopmentology I can say with impugnity that child creatures do not commit to aural communication during such a larval stage.

I think you will be forced to communicate your grievance with them through a more kinetic medium. I can think of few things more kinetically energetic than a pendulum - of sufficient size and mass I believe attachment to the kinetic output of a pendulum will appropriately communicate your concerns.

I believe a member of the Mother species may be your most useful aid in these matters. Notice how, without consciousness, it commits effective kinetic energy to the child creature? If you can find one of these, I would suggest you make great use of it to complete the necessary feats of hatting.

child creature concomitator deviceoid

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I recommend you uninstall the "family" upgrade. This will free up the kernel scheduler for more important tasks:

  • Acquiring hats
  • Drinking whiskey
  • Watching reruns of your favorite nerd shows: Star Trek, Dr. Who, Buffy, et al.
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You can't tell them because they won't understand and will just try to stop you from getting hats. Make sure that before you vanish from their lives you pack up all their hats.

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